The Power of Apology

July 2, 2001
While forgiveness has become a ubiquitous theme in spirituality, recovery and New Age philosophy, the element of apology has been conspicuously absent. Engel (The Emotionally Abused Woman), a longtime therapist, takes it up as "a cause," claiming that this healing practice can prevent divorces, family estrangements, lawsuits and even atrocities like school shootings. Giving and receiving apologies for mistakes, oversights or offenses—which many people avoid, sometimes for legal reasons—are "crucial to our mental and physical health and well-being," she asserts. Failing to admit error and express regret "adds insult to injury" and "is one of the most blatant ways of showing disrespect," she says. Engel provides detailed information on how to make "meaningful apologies... that will be heard and believed," made up of the "three R's: regret, responsibility, and remedy." She is also unusually conscious of the gray areas, where apologizing or forgiving may be inappropriate or impossible, and where "overapologizing" may reflect low self-esteem. A particularly fresh and useful chapter on the workplace offers excellent practical advice for responding to unhappy clients, customers, co-workers, employers and employees. Unfortunately, Engel devotes little attention to the difficult task of asking for apologies, after declaring that "it is your responsibility" to do so when feeling injured. Her otherwise thorough and lucid guide to "this important but neglected aspect of forgiveness" will be welcomed by many who have struggled to ask forgiveness and to forgive.